Artwork by Martje Van Dokkum

There is a deeply hidden problem that runs rife in our society, that goes largely unnoticed, unspoken, and unnamed. Yet, its existence prevails.

And it is the problem of the free work of women.

Free work carried out in so many different shapes and sizes, that keep us in our place. Too busy and too stressed to even think about, let alone change it. 

Free work that continues to benefit the many who enjoy it and take advantage of it. Those who visit nurses, employ secretaries, who send their children to primary school. And to anyone who has a mother, a sister, an aunty or grandmother. 

Known as the ‘invisible workload’. It is known as all the extra work women do every day that goes largely unnoticed or rewarded.

It is born from an inherited, internalised belief that women do not deserve to be paid, seen, or valued for the work that they do. 

And it goes even deeper than this. We are also taught from a young age, to never fuss or complain about it. That those who don’t carry out their ‘women’s work’, happily, are not good people – leading us to feel deep shame, if we ever dare to feel even slightly put out by it.

A woman’s work is never done

“A woman’s work is never done.”

I remember hearing this saying, often, as a young girl. And I could never understand its meaning. I remember wondering, how this could be? Why was it only women whose work was never done? Surely, it would end at some point? What is this work?

Of course, I spent years after this, still never truly understanding its meaning, until I became a fully-fledged woman myself. The crucial moment being, when I became a mother. 

The woman I had been raised to be, career driven, carefree, living life to the full with my friends, was suddenly gone. And overnight, my free care work began.

Of course, it is a mother’s natural duty to care for her child. To nurse and nurture her. What came as the biggest surprise, was there was suddenly no one around to care for me, too. 

I was expected to care for my child, care for myself, and care for my entire family – and by that, I mean extended family, also. Just as the many other women in my family were, too. 

The inequality, the loneliness, the neglect from this, hit me hard. And to cut a long story short, I had a huge breakdown. A breakdown which, at the time, I believed meant I was broken, when in fact, what was happening was I was beginning to break down the lies I had been fed, as a woman, my entire life. I was actually being freed. 

This didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of standing in my darkness, to find the light that would guide me to my truth. It was uncomfortable, torture at times, to face truths I could never have imagined existed. I was forced to re-examine every relationship in my life, the upbringing I had had, the traumas I had experienced, along with the traumas experienced by my family members and also those who came before us, too, which had been passed down the generations for years. And I had to discover beliefs that were holding us all back from finding the care and compassion for us, the women who are holding the world up.

How did we get to this place of such deep distain, contempt, and neglect towards the women who are holding us all together? The very stitching in society. The women who birth us and our children, who sit with the dying, nurse them and hold their hands, until their last breath. The women who will kill themselves to make sure no one else goes without the things that they need? How do we find ourselves devaluing the incredible work that they do, on such a huge scale?

This needs some serious scrutiny I believe. And we must also be asking the question: do women really have to kill themselves to give everyone else what they need?

Do we really have to kill ourselves to make sure everyone else has everything they need?

Throughout history, women have been given this message. It goes back to the days of war, when there were no men around and women had to pick up the workload while they were gone, as well as continue their own work, care for the children, the sick, and the elderly.

It goes further back, to the Victoria era, when women were made to work in factories, for long hours, in horrific conditions, for next to no pay. Sometimes, nothing at all. Many dying from these conditions. 

And when they returned home, they were expected to care for their children and their husbands, ensuring everyone was clean and fed. Homes in order. 

When they complained or refused, they were placed in mental asylums for being seen as, “hysterical”, or if they were lucky, only beaten.

This term, hysterical, is still used against women, today, who protest or use their voices when they have been mistreated and ignored. 

It goes back, further still, when women were accused of witchcraft. Women who were healers, who carried the wisdom of plant medicine and midwifery, who were expected to tend to people’s illnesses and injuries – but if a foot was put out of place, were hanged or burned, for possessing the very magical abilities that saved their accusers.

This treatment of women is in our blood. And although we learn much from nurture, through what we experience around us growing up, we also carry it in our genetics. So, it’s not something we can hope to undo in a single generation.

Today, we see the remnants of history in women too scared to say, ‘no’, to the things that don’t serve them. Too worried of hurting the feelings of others or of being shamed by them for not tending to their needs for free.

Yet, if a man announces the same answer, there seems to be a lot more understanding. 

Women are left struggling financially, as a result of our inherited “kindness” to others.

The biggest problem that I see arising from this, is how women are left struggling financially, as a result of our inherited “kindness” to others.

Women are the least paid in Western society and there are many reasons for that. Many people still believe this is to do with women being paid less that their male counterparts for doing the same job. 

Actually, it’s more to do with certain industries being dominated either by men or by women. 

The industries in which folk earn the lowest pay, such as secretarial, administration, teaching, nursing and care work are dominated by women. On top of this, there is a higher number of men who dominate senior positions in workplaces.

The main reason for this is that women are largely their children’s main caregiver, alongside a huge lack of a decent system to support women with their childcare needs, or to give father’s equal responsibility for the care of their own children. This would, of course, enable more women to work towards the same, higher, positions as men. 

On top of this, women are not offered any kind of living wage to top up the difference. So, not only are they blocked from being able to earn as much as men, but they are also not compensated for it. As a result, women are more affected by poverty and struggle to feed themselves, on a daily basis, opting to feed their children first. And with the rise of the current cost of living crisis, those mothers will now be unable to feed their children.

And the reason this doesn’t change comes down to this continuous myth, held by society, that women should be doing this work for free.

Most, I am sure, are largely unaware of this subconscious belief that hides within us. But it is important we do foster an awareness of it, if we ever hope to change outcomes for women and their children.

Change will come when we start fighting back! 

And change will come when we start fighting back! 

By noticing when those beliefs arise and questioning them.

They might sound like, “I really should do this or no one else will” or “I shouldn’t be charging what my work is worth because people won’t pay me that much”. 

These are recycled beliefs that are holding us all back from making the changes in society that are so desperately needed, to finally bring financial equality to women. 

You might even look at other services that women offer and believe that they shouldn’t be charging so much or valuing the hard work that they do, without stopping to criticise the work that men are charging double for.

But in holding on to these beliefs about others, we hold ourselves back from achieving the financial security and freedoms that we all deserve, too, as much as men!

I believe, it is realisations like this that will set us all free.

This imbalance of power has existed for far too long and will only be put right, when we finally believe we have just as much of it, that we deserve just as much of it, as men.